My heart is beating like a congo drum

Sometimes
You have to let the words out
let them spill and collect on the floor

So why cant I say them
I think them everyday

At work in the silence of the bookshelves
in the soft folds of the sweaters

At home in my kittens soft breathing
in the hum of the fan next to the bed

I hate you but I love you

Please stop torturing me

You don't know me
You never have

Everyday I tell myself that today is the day
I will tell you how I really feel

Then you name appears on my phone

In my mind I fling it across the room until it meets the wall and with quick gesture
dissipates

But I only put it back in my purse and pretend you don't exist
Just for right now
Just until my heart can heal

Stop reminding me you take up on space on this earth
My heart beats faster when your around
and it takes sporadic breaths when your gone

Your going to kill me if you keep this up

but lets see who dies first